Nackt in den Holzern

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood." - Tom Robbins

-Gattina Goldilocks takes another drink of pinot noir to wash down yet one more cheese sandwich and wonders about the small structure in front of her. Must be where the bears live, she muses. She is sitting in a patch of sonnenschein on a log bench in front of a firepit. The tall, old-growth forest climbs the hills around her. She is silly but peaceful.-
I made a little video with my camera for Reuben to illustrate a typical day on the trails with his cheerfully addle pated sweetheart. I had just passed a sign telling me that where I thought I was going was where I had come from and now faced 4 trail options to move forward. I decided on the "up the hill route" but halfway up, decided to change to the "up the other hill" route. Since I had already gotten lost a few times in the last hour and a half without seeing any other humans anyway, why not? The day was far too beautiful to worry on such trivialities!
I headed up a hill that may have been called "Kiesgruebliweg" (I started taking photos of wooden signs in a Gretl breadcrumb attempt to show forethought) and my glutes almost cried. I smiled as I reminisced about my morning run:
It pissed down cold rain, soaking me to the skin, as I faced my favourite steep, moss-covered, stone stairs carved into a hill. The narrow trail is bordered by electric fences which only gave me more motivation to maintain footing. Hehe, a challenge. I charged over and over and felt the old heat of my marathon oven burning through the booze and the cigarettes and the sloth... Damn, it's good to be alive!
Back to the woods... About 8 or so turns later, I was truly lost! I thought of the young men I had passed wood-cutting some time before but they had looked at the single girl, tripping down the trail singing along with Black Eyed Peas in a way that kinda freaked her out. Ugh. Every Appalachian story I ever heard flashed through my mind when I saw a trail that said it went toward Wettingen but a few minutes in, found it to be just a muddy track up a hill that did give me a chance to take some good photos but stranded me on top of the hill.
I kept telling myself that descent was the best choice as I cut through the trees. Somehow, I found my way down to the "up the hill" route that I had decided against earlier and actually skipped up "Weymouthenweg" to find myself back in Wettingen! Woohoo! I was completely jazzed by my day outdoors and cooked with fervor! Patrik made sure the wine flowed (yeah, detox day, whatever) and I tried absinthe for the first time ever. Holy hell! I thought my throat had actually caught on fire. Damn. I fell into bed early with a text to from my boy to have sweet dreams of him and, lovelies, I did!

Hansel unt Gretl

"Surely, the whereabouts of my heart are not known but even, As I searched for it over and over, you found it, again and again." - Ghalib

Voglio darle il piacere... Francesco offered along with a kiss on my bare shoulder. Ho mio cavallo- Non ho bisogno di... my mind was screaming. Aspetto per adesso, I demurred. Forse dopo. Capito... aspetto, he responded. A voice whispered into my hair- you like being desired and watched and yet refusing? Patrik was amused and showed his disdain for my new ways with a raised brow. Yes I like it, I responded with defiance. It is powerful? He seemed to be discussing the weather in Monaco, a calm that reminded me of vampyres or some other daemon. We were in the most elegant swingers' club of my experience and the warm glow of deep orange walls, leather sofas, and carved wooden tables still could not relax me.
I took another swig of champagne and thought on the day past. We went to Luzern to spend the day on the water with the sun warming our faces. I had spread myself out on the train floor for a nap on the way home. The conservative Swiss passengers stared and gossiped. I had smiled in the way only one who has earned her personal freedom can.
Andiamo alla stanza? Francesco requested. No, I cannot... will not. Take me home? I asked Patrik. Of course, he said. He was so amused I wanted to hit him. We poured a single malt and spoke of banalities. My heart emptied and closed until I saw Reuben's text. He thought I would be a 'victim' to a good time and forget him. A victim?! I am not a victim! I make my choices. Suz told me today what she thought of Roo: "guess what ... i think he likes you enough to deal with you cocking it up occassionally .. you just might have to apologize" Damn it- more rational thought! I would never bet on another's power to forgive though. I am glad I did not allow myself to be lost in the orgia last night. Surreal. He feels so far from me now and yet takes up all of my thoughts. I should be hiking in the Alps right now, not thinking of boys.
Reuben is not remiss in asking me to just "give it a try" with him on his terms but, damn. I find his proposition first unattainable and then unsustainable... and then bewitching, promising, fulfilling. Be careful of your words, he warns me. Words?! I am more worried of the actions! Gattina marches up to a tree without worrying that she is lost in a wood and scratches bark. She feels no pain as her nails begin to bleed but notices the damage to what she thought was wood. Fuck, it's flesh after all...

Basel Brezls

"If you're looking for love, for what it's worth, I've plenty of it lying around here somewhere..." - Garbage

Behave, and return to me. Behave- verb. to conduct or comport oneself in a proper manner. Ok... Proper manner, eh? Well based on the last year or so, proper can be a pretty subjective term! I need a strong voice to help guide me, I had skyped to Reuben. I have been shouting in your ear! He replied. That you want me and I have been shouting that I want you back, I tossed over the internet. That I want you only, he replied. I only want you, I stated. So why do you mess about so? He asked. Grrr... Hate when he does that- bunging the pluggle with logic! So anyhow, I'm in Zurich and back to "reality" as I know it. Life is a lovely party where I am adored, patted on the head for even knowing how to read or speak (though not in Switzer-Deutsch, I'm shit in that), and admired for my very base but apparently desirable material (all roads lead to Khayyam!). I spend my days touring, shopping, and escaping into the hills. My evenings are parties of illusion and indolence. My nights are spent in a horrible restlessness that could only be cured by the sweet kisses and smiles of mio cavallo... My mornings begin with fear and sadness but determination. I find myself reckless again, playing at life. Enough philosophy, it is time for Gattina's world tour guide...
I am actually in the hilly outskirts of Zurich, a town called Wittengen. Patrik was born here and it is the largest "village" in Switzerland. Across the Limmet River is Baden and I walked there yesterday to many stares and comments I could not comprehend. In the three shops I stopped at, I got the opportunity to speak first English, then French, then Italian. A little exhausting and I was happy to escape into the hills for a little quiet time in the afternoon. Found the best sign in Europe at the base of some stairs that led into the steep hills which depicted a warning of a "pirate cat". It is my new computer backdrop!
Today, Patrik took the day off to spend some "host time" with me. Not too much sacrifice since it went like this: I brought espresso to him in bed in his room, made toast with Nutella and bananas, walked into my room naked after a shower to find him smiling about scoring tickets to Euro 2008 (football tourney in Vienna), and whisked him off to Basel for a sunny day on the Rhine River! He was so happy, he invited me to the tourney and Italia just may be playing... but that is not until late June so who knows what will transpire? Basel was weird to say the least. I actually spent a good half an hour laughing about a sign on the riverfront that explained "Respekt". So a black hand shaking a white hand and a white dude throwing away rubbish were good. Bad (red line through descriptive photos) is apparently: peeing everywhere (and I mean a seriously graphic drawing- apparently we ladies are not accused of such behaviour), playing the drums, listening to music that will break your ears, and using these same sound machines in the general direction of others. If that was not enough, we stopped for a schnaps on the main promenade and as we talked of the pleasure we would get from our brezls (mine mit kase, his mit salami), Patrik paused and stared behind me. There was a man in a pickle outfit, a woman looking straight out of Copa Cabana, and a superhero chick just chilling on the pavement. They did not appear to be promoting anything but just feeling the Friday evening vibe. Basel, Patrik and I said to each other and started another half an hour laugh. We go out tonight and tomorrow so I will update after and please know, my wonderful friends, that I wish you were here...

The Virtue of the Vicious

"Yet each man kills the thing he loves, By each let this be heard. Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word. The coward does it with a kiss... " -Oscar Wilde

So I am a lying, compartmentalised... Reuben began. I sighed. Bugger, I thought, how many times must I learn the lesson that lovers are not friends and will be sensitive to the game my friends and I play of amateur psychoanalysis? I speared another succulent bite of pulpo and said, debate it then. We were sitting in Goya Pimlico having a tapas supper to see me off as I leave for Zurich today to visit friends. I had been out with other friends earlier and had gotten into the groove of debate and discussion. In my idiocy, I actually thought Reuben might enjoy this kind of interaction. Too late to backtrack now, I thought with a little pang. I am not going to defend my character, he glared. I ordered a strong cafe con cajaillo and, for all you linguists, an aside: I got to the restaurant first and ordered our tapas and sangria in Espanol and the waiter first thought me from Spain, then Italy (of course), then Lithuania (WTF?!). It was great fun but back to my offended lover...
We made our way home and the dreamy, poetic lover of the night before who had lulled me into a state of promising anything, everything was nowhere around. Tonight I am a realist, he said. Fine, I said, than just give me what I want from you. Fine. He pulled my clothes from my body and flipped me to my stomach. He was aggressive and I liked it, he degraded me and I liked it even more... I sighed inwardly for about the thousandth time that night and allowed my brutta nature to be what it is. Fuck it, I thought, we can just be shags- it would certainly make my life easier. We lay together after and he pointed out the logistic issues of us being involved again but then tempted me again with the availability of his promise of exclusivity. Confusing and I resisted. We talked at length but I am stubborn, as you all know. This morning I woke with only one wish. His hands roaming over my skin and the nearness of his body. I went to the kitchen to make the coffee and was reminded of the pleasure we took together in cooking a Mexican meal for his flatmates. Why do I enjoy his company no matter what we are doing? He pressed against me and kissed me goodbye.
You ready for Switzerland?! Patrik texted me this morning. Yes!!! I responded. I am sitting here in Reuben's rugby shorts and furrowing my brow. Have I ever been so confused?! I will be in Londres when you get back, Cristiano said, and I am going to rape you when I see you. I think I will also give you to one of my friends. You are welcome to come here when you land, Reuben offered this morning. Mi struggo e mi tormento!!!! Darlings, help!! I feel like the girl from Indian legend who cannot swim but dives into the water with a leaking vase to swim toward her lover anyway... I know I will fail no matter my choice and it is fine to drown but if I just swim in circles, it seems a rather futile death doesn't it?

Le Jeu Que Tous Gagnons

"Of course, you haven't got to decide, but think about it. I can't advise you in my favour because I think it would be beastly for you, but think how nice it would be for me!" - Evelyn Waugh

You have no desire of your own? I asked. Only to please you, he answered.
Gattina closes her eyes for a moment and then opens them to look into his. She sees his face first dark with anger, pushing her down and ravishing her with his strong cock and sharp teeth. Then she sees him in supplication, eyes pleading for the pleasure she can give. She sees the naked sex on his face when she pauses, mouth full of pussy, to look behind her and welcome him into her heat. She looks deeper and sees the smiles that live in his eyes. She knows that he would do all of these things with her, for her...
The neighbour says it is obvious how in love we are, I teased Reuben, so why won't you just admit it? Do you feel love from me? He asked. Yes. I feel love from you, he continued, so what difference does this word make? I winged a bit and he said, I love you as much as I could love anyone I have known for this short time. The clouds gathered over my face and I choked out that was the cruelest thing he's ever said to me. You see, my dears, there are many people in my life that have freely given me their love for months and even years and yet I reject them in my preference for Reuben. My lovely Roo, who hesitates and worries and waits. It will sort itself, I thought to myself as I lay in his embrace that night.
Breakfast? I asked Reuben as he lay captive in the bath. Eggs? I prompted. Umm... toast? He seemed to be looking for an escape hatch. Ok, toast then, I relented. I came down and made toast, setting out the vegemite. An aside- I have decided to use the vegemite in a spring roll experiment since I believe the taste will complement Asian veggies and sesame. I also squeezed several tangerines and a lime to make juice for my sweetie. I am determined, I said, to put breakfast in your stomach even if it must be liquid. This is my campaign against you. I fear one day, he said, I will be sneaking down the stairs to get out without breakfast and two large rugby players will attack me from the side and start forcing toast down my throat! I looked sideways at him. If this is the worst plot I ever hatch against you, is it so terrible? He smiled and drank his juice.
It was pleasant weather in London yesterday, even with a somewhat bitter wind. I had a nice run and Reuben asked if I would fancy a motorbike ride after work. Certo!! Wear warm clothes, he warned. Gattina sifts through her suitcase full of lingerie and cookbooks. Warm clothes?! Ha! I am a tough mountain girl, no? He must think I am such a wimp! I perused my boots and stilettos for what would look most fetching on the bike. Reuben walked in and looked unimpressed. Warm boots! He demanded. But my only warm ones are Coach and I don't want to char them on the pipes, I complained. Let me see them, he said, you'll be fine- the pipes are under the pegs. I muttered and put the boots on but refused tights since I had on thick jeans. We retrieved his beautiful motorbike and headed off toward Dorking. I had not ridden in a while so it took a little adjusting to relax my legs' grip on his hips. As we headed into the country, I was absolutely charmed by the sun on the hills and the paddocks of sheep with their lambs. We went to the highest cricket pitch in the area and stopped. My legs were visibly shaking from the numbing cold. Are you cold, darling? Roo asked me. No! I answered quickly through chattering teeth. There is a lovely pub at the bottom of the hill where we can stop in for a drink, he said. The Monty Python-esque choir in my head sang a hearty chord. My lovelies, I honestly could not feel my bum!! We settled into a wonderfully traditional, cozy pub and got a couple pints (plus a whisky for me, of course!). I was lamenting not bringing my camera and I was also almost afraid of the ride home as I watched the sun sinking behind a peaceful verdant rise. We went for a smoke and I was already shaking. I climbed on the bike and fantasized about a warm sheepskin (rug, you pervs!!). I love the feeling of acceleration on a motorbike but the sustained faster speeds were driving daggers into my exposed thighs. Please go slower, I begged, feeling like a weak little girl. Grr... At every stop, Reuben rubbed my thighs and assured me we were almost there. I took comfort, if not heat, from my arms and legs around him and his constant consideration. Later, when I broke a dish pulling it from the oven with my unlucky left hand, he rushed from chatting with Suz to my aid. He did not berate me or complain. I waited in my mind and heart for the unkind words or jabs but all I received was kindness. I never believed before that a man existed in this world to rival Jonathan in gentle consideration. I still don't really believe- perhaps my sex, booze, and drug addled mind has conjured this beautiful delusion to torture me.
Ah, but back to the breakfast wars... I employed a new tactic and started an elaborate breakfast dish yesterday afternoon by soaking thick slices of baton in an egg/vanilla/brown sugar/syrup mixture overnight. This morning, while the coffee waited to be pressed, I put the toast in the oven and adroitly (notice, darlings, ADROIT n'est SINISTRE pas!) toasted almond slices in a pan on the stove. I flipped them from the back, the way I was taught, and took such pleasure in this basic task. I had made a mixture in the oven crock of brown sugar, honey, syrup, almonds, and buerre brun. The baton slices puffed and browned as I sliced banana. I am still a little unsure in this recipe so I flipped 2 of the slices but left the other 2. Reuben and I agree that for breakfast, unflipped is good (less sweet) but the flipped, caramelised slices would make a fantastic dessert with a good quality vanilla ice cream a la mode. I was happy to redeem myself after last night's disaster. I will replace the dish and Roo suggested that I perhaps put something in it for the family to have for dinner. How lovely! I am waffling between baked pasta, ratatouille, gulyas, shepherd's pie... I think I will also make some biscuits for the children. I have had such a wonderful time here, how can I show enough appreciation to these hosts that I have never met?! I hope to have many opportunities in the future! Reuben is off to Porto for the weekend and as we kissed goodbye, I mused: Wouldn't it be lovely if we were this happy together a long time in the future without ever having said 'I love you' to each other? He thinks I would die of the unknowing but I really believe it would be a gorgeous and unique thing we could have- by not saying it, we would be creative in showing it. Just a theory...
I leave you with this... I woke up this morning and turned to my lover to press my body to him. I found him hard and uttered a little sound of pleasure as I took him in my hands. He barely opened his eyes and spoke earnestly. Don't mind that... just leave it... no, no Darling, there is no time... I must get up- I have a breakfast to eat!!!

Sweet As

"... the act of preparing food for another (or with another) speaks louder and clearer than most words. It says, with no exceptions, I love you. I want you. I care for you. You are worth the effort." -Martha Hopkins

Do you think you could stomach some toast with Nutella and bananas this morning, I asked today and poured more coffee. Reuben paused, always leery of breakfast. Maybe toast with a nice thin layer of vegemite, he ventured. Gattina strains every muscle in her neck to avoid turning up her nose. He spread the impossible to describe substance on toast and I took a deep breath and spread it on half of my own. Interesting. My cook's mind began sifting through the techniques and ingredients that might make this stuff palatable. I'll let you all know when I come up with something.
It was quite a weekend for food actually. I made a Provencal breakfast for us on Saturday to keep us going through a day at the Borough Market. It was very crowded but we picked up what we needed and some things that were just treats. I don't know yet what I will do with the quail's eggs but I know it will be something to match the bottle of Cuvees des Sommeliers Chateauneuf du Pape we also found in the market! It was a wonderful find and took me back to lovely times. That evening, we went to a club for a going away party with Reuben's friends. We were both nervous since my track record so far on meeting his pals is less than exemplary. We had a great time though and got home tired and happy and ready to dig into leftover Thai food!
We are having a couple friends over for dinner tonight so we needed a few more things. I suggested we go to Whole Foods. Where the heck else can you buy seitan?! Whole Foods is new here and no one seems to have heard of it. I was sure Reuben would enjoy shopping there though so we called up one of his mates to join us and braved the trip.
The boys looked at a shoeshop so I preceded them into the market. While lost in tofuland, I received a text from my sweetie. "Oh my goodness. This place is heaven! X" I grinned. We bought many more things we needed and wanted including some lamb for my poor meat-starved lover and a New Zealand pumpkin that I will attempt to roast in proper kiwi fashion.
Weekend mornings are becoming my favourite times. Reuben spoils me rotten with pleasure and I have not yet missed sex with two men at once which surprises me. I noticed yesterday though that I do miss being in the company of two men. It occured to me while wedged in between Reuben and Scotty on a couch in the pub. It made me extra sad that Matte and Cri are not speaking to me now. Well don't we all now how sweet little Gattina is when she's sad? I drank one glass too many of wine and got a little provocative after a lovely shag. An aside- there is an e-mail floating around my friends these days about the merits of boycuts versus thongs and after Reuben's response to my boycuts yesterday, my vote is certainly for them!
I woke up today a little disoriented after dreaming of distant lands and, as some of you know from experience, this can make me turn to the person next to me with one thing on my mind: Who the hell are you?! Reuben smiled at me and I relaxed. He asked if I slept well. Very well. You had a little snore going, he smirked. SNORE?! Scandalous libel! And that brings us back to the coffee and vegemite.
My darlings, I must go love my friends by cooking. Tonight's menu:
"Caviar" (actually a tapenade cruda) Bites and Manhattans
Stellette con Funghi
Sauvignon Blanc
Seitan Bourgignon and French Peasant Bread
Pinot Noir
Lemon Ices
Taleggio e Tomme

The Moon and Stars

"I am nearly mad about you, as much as one can be mad: I cannot bring together two ideas that you do not interpose yourself between them... But my God, what is to become of me, if you have deprived me of my reason? This is a monomania which, this morning, terrifies me." - Honore de Balzac

Was it the truth or just the coca last night, I asked. It was the truth, Reuben responded quickly and then paused. Did I promise you the moon and stars last night? He asked. Yes, you did, I said, but not the ones in the skies. My heart sped with confusion and the effort to be moderate, it is not my greatest strength. Many wonderful things were said last night, I thought to myself, but I dare not believe them. I went to make the coffee and tried to be calm. How can I discard those beautiful, lilting sentences? How can I not? I would not bind him to words spoken impetuously and under the influence of any substance. I am chasing my tail in circles and it is madness. I tell myself to minimise last night. It was a fun and happy evening with someone I like. I chastise myself with the hard-earned knowledge that true feeling is proved in action and pretty words are just that. Not that I will forget, no, I love words and these will give me many pleasant hours of reflection!
I can offer you a life where you do not need pain anymore, he told me last night. My heart melted but my mind remembered: I LIKE pain right?! I have learned how to live and (hopefully) gather wisdom despite challenges. Pain is an integral part of my existence and evolution. If it went away, I would be left with a terrifying gap in my survival mechanism. Who would want to face this chasm and try to fill it? I am reminded of the legendary lover Farhad. He was sent into the desert to prove his love by digging water out of the sand. His love was so great that he found not water, but honey and milk...
Whew... Gattina gets too melodramatic for her dear readers, no?
Back to the action: I was happy to have Silvia meet my crush and to meet her boy as well. Silvia and I have much in common and I was excited to discuss these things with her. She liked him and told me we matched very well as a couple. It made me blush a bit but I was still pleased. I am becoming enmeshed: it was actually a thrilling and scary thing to have someone who knows me as the cosmopolitan chapette see me mooning and speaking in low, solicitous, gentle tones to a guy. I am telling myself that in strength, you must show weakness. I AM that badass girl so I can view this weakness as what it is... I think... if I could just get those blasted stars out of my eyes!

How Low Can You Go (London Limbo II)

"Through love, I tasted the spirit of life. Curing one pain, it yielded another incurable one." - Ghalib

Who is this person to me? Matteo asked me. He does not matter to us. I love you even knowing you, he continued, it is natural you should have a shag while I was away and you should have your fun but we are cut from the same cloth: bestia e gattina. Cristiano concurred via phone while Matte pushed me against the Porsche. He's been too kind with her. You will always be a slave to your needs and I love you for it. Matteo forced my legs apart and touched me. You are so wet, he stated and pushed my head down to his crotch. Pieta, ti prego mia bestia permissa mia felice, I protested feebly. Do what you will, he said, but you will always be with me. He drove me to his house and asked if I missed the cuddles of mio polpo. I texted Reuben: Are you home? I intended to tell him I would not be back until morning. He called back and asked where I was and when I would be back. We couldn't get a taxi (which was true), I replied. I will get you a taxi, he said. Ok. The taxi arrived shortly and I ran from my beloved to chase rainbows.
I got home first and went out to the garden for a fag. Reuben came and sat down next to me to smoke. We were both a bit pissed but went upstairs to shag. I told him I had not shagged Matteo as he hammered into me.
I woke up early yet again and went down to the kiddos' playroom to curl into the fetal position around a stuffed monkey that growled when I held it too tight. I went back up after some time and slid down my lover's body to wake him a la Gattina. You certainly make waking up in the morning a pleasure, he observed in his lyrical kiwi accent. What a change from the rapid, insistent Italiano of my beast. I rode him while he asked what was on my mind. Niente... I responded. What happened to you last night? He asked. Nothing unexpected. Reuben went for a bath and I followed. Matteo is right, I said, he and I are the same and when you know me you will not tolerate me. I am bruta and you can't understand it because you are so wonderfully wholesome. I didn't want a relationship, he said, especially not with someone as intense as you. I felt a mechanical click in my chest and replied that I understood. I don't know how to keep you forever, he said, to give you reins or take them away.
I chatted with my Cricri for awhile today and he assures me we can have private lives and still be the Trio when the opportunity arises. Matteo has been brief with me today. I am sure he is displeased that I chose my "phase" over his wonderful, comforting embrace last night. He may be correct in his assessment of Gattina and her nature. After all, he knows my heart...

All Tied Up

"I already love in you your beauty, but I am only beginning to love in you that which is eternal and ever precious- your heart, your soul. Beauty one could get to know and fall in love with in one hour and cease to love it as speedily; but the soul one must learn to know. Believe me, nothing on earth is given without labour, even love, the most beautiful and natural of feelings." - Count Leo Tolstoi

Look, Reuben said, that is a perfectly tied shoe. You will not find a shoe better tied than that. This is one more reason to like me. You must list this on the "pros" list to offset the "cons" side. It may be the coupe de grace, I responded. I kissed him and he left for work. I went upstairs to read but after opening my book, I just sat and thought on the past weekend. I stayed in on Friday and tried to get my mind straight. The problem is, I care very deeply for Matteo and we have an amazing history together. My cousin, Boris, warned me that this crush I have may be a phase in a pattern. I was concerned that after separating from mia bestia this would prove true but the fact is, my life with Matteo is probably not the healthiest thing for me in the future. I want to keep him in my life always though.
Saturday, I went to the Borough Market under London Bridge with Alex. What a cool guy- spent his early life in a branch of British service and guarded the queen as well! He was born in Glasgow and it made me feel a little closer to Reuben to hang with him. I absolutely loved the market. Sipped at mulled wine and bought Italian cheeses, wild mushrooms, baby courgettes, asparagus, and fresh figs. Alex is an accomplished drinker (aren't all Scots?) and by the time I got back to the train, I was pissed. Got home just in time for Valentina to ask me to come back up into the city for our evening together. Great. Tubed it this time. Valentina lives on Abbey Road, the one immortalised by The Beatles. One thing about London, history is absolutely everywhere. We chatted and cooked and drank wine. Called the drug dealer for a little MDMA but he was taking forever so we cancelled. I called Bruno to see if he wanted to chill with us. He said he would come pick me up and take me out for a drink. It was good to see him and spend time together. I still was undecided on whether to join the weekly orgia at Simone's. In the end, I decided to come back to the house alone and I'm actually glad I did. I talked and texted with Reuben and Suz until around 6.00. Exhausted and pissed beyond belief, I finally crashed out. I woke up nervous and hungover. Not a good start to a big day for me. Took myself out for lunch/bloody maries and had a think. Well no time like the present, I told myself. It wasn't so bad actually. I neglected to mention to Matteo that I probably wouldn't be shagging him so that might have something to do with it. I am having dinner with him tomorrow night so I'll try to be braver and get it sorted.
Reuben's flight was delayed but I kept busy by making us a late supper. Ratatouille a la Jacques Derrida. I call it this because it is deconstructed. I made a tower from the ingredients on a bed of lightly dressed lettuces. Pretty good midnight nosh. I cooked in true gattina style: stilettos and a corset! Hehe... I jammed out to Revolting Cocks and waited for my cutie.
He came in and wrapped his hands around my corseted waist. I considered just forgetting dinner but we needed sustenance. After we ate, Reuben shagged me on the kitchen island. I have mentioned before I think that cooking is not all I enjoy doing in the kitchen!
We went upstairs and climbed into bed. We were giddy from seeing each other after an absence so couldn't help starting in on each other again. What haven't I done to you yet? He asked. My mouth was too busy to respond at once but I looked up at him after a moment and said, I don't know. We've done alot. What do you want me to do to you? He asked but didn't wait for my response. He pulled me into my favourite position and pushed into me. It was perfect. We fell asleep wrapped up together and I slept well but woke up early as usual in a state of apprehension. I had something uncomfortable to talk to my sweetie about. I had said that the prospect of sharing my feelings with him had put me into a panic. Before taking that risk, I impulsively scheduled a one way flight to the US that leaves tomorrow. I suppose I could've changed the flight without discussing it with him but what can I say, sometimes I'm quite daft! He was less than pleased but I snuggled into him and offered that I didn't have to leave if he wanted me to stay. He was closed to me for the moment, angry and surprised. He slid his leg between mine and I moved against him until I came. He turned me on my back and started into me. I have not invited you, I said, I don't shag people that are angry with me. He paid no heed however so I added, oh but you will fuck me anyway I see. And that is what he did. Our first angry fuck was intense and delicious! Hehe, probably not nice to enjoy his discomfiture but I couldn't help it, it was hot!
Ask me to stay, I said. I guess you'll do as you damn well please, he said still sore. I was nervous and needed to DO something, I tried explaining. It was before we've been being honest and open. He forgave me enough to talk to me and finally said he was just surprised and to change the flight. We'll be staying together for the next couple weeks so that will give us the chance to shag everywhere else in the house and hopefully sort some future plans.

Everybody Limbo

"There were moments when I feared to hear your voice, and then I was disconsolate that it was not your voice. So many contradictions, so many contrary movements are true, and can be explained in three words..." -Julie de L'espinasse

The past few days have been interesting but I can't seem to find my feet. Reuben left for Glasgow a few moments ago and the weekend stretches before me with uncertainty as the only sure companion. I will go out with Silvia and the boys tomorrow night and Matteo returns on Sunday. I thought I would be having an uncomfortable talk with him then but now I may be able to avoid it for a bit. But I am getting ahead, let me go back to the dinner I mentioned in my last...
I was nervous and hesitant but determined to be open and share my feelings with Reuben. It is easy for me to steer conversations away from the point but we still managed to establish a few things. He is concerned I will become bored with him and the kind of life we would potentially share. This is a valid concern, I know but is it possible Gattina has had enough catting around? Perish the thought, right?! He said he wants to "date" me. It's been a long time since anyone has thrilled me with that thought. I've been getting my kicks in such extreme ways for the last year that I don't know how to react to this simple, beautiful proposition. We decided, after another hot shag at his place, we would stay together, house-sitting, for a week or so and test things out.
I got to the house late at night and he showed me around. He is godfather to one of their two children and it was in the baby's room that I freaked out a bit. We were straightening some pictures above the crib (he hasn't seemed to mind my OCD quite yet) and I just couldn't breathe for a sec there. Suz had the gall the other day to tell me I would be a good mother. Cri and Matte have told me the same. Are you all nuts?! Mad Gattina stops pushing the pram in the park to wipe a smudge from the toe of her silver stilettos, inadvertantly giving the old man on a bench a glimpse of her bare wolftrap. I know it's not time to think of these things with Reuben but it just shocked me to think of them at all. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I'm like a combination jungle gym/Disney movie around them. I even once impressed a 5 year old by having more coloring books than her. :) The problem I am having is that I had entirely made up my mind when David left to eschew anything resembling a traditional path.
So we left the nursery and went for a bath together. It was nice though I had a very difficult time not playing with the kiddos' bath toys. Thought it might freak the boy out to see me acting out "The Jungle Book" in the tub. I'm supposed to be some internationally reknowned sex goddess, right? In that vein, we went upstairs for a shag and I was again reminded that I'm a short little cuss. He's quite tall and I am thankful for all those years of yoga! After, he said I make him feel young with endless shag-energy. A nice compliment/complement. -grins- We've decided I must be a succubus or something however I can't take all the credit here, darlings, and I'll decide what kind of creature I am when I hit my sexual peak! It's a nice thing to look forward to, no? Well, may be dangerous for the men of the world...
Anyhow, I digress. Back to current affairs. I couldn't sleep even though Reuben held me gently, smiling and kissing me softly in his sleep. An aside, true to his gender he remembers none of that. My stomach was growling loudly so I got up to get a snack around 2.00. As I left the bed he said... ah no, sorry dears- that will be for my own secret smiles. :) Macked out on some hummus and biscuits while chatting with Suz. It's odd, he never held me all night before but has done it every night since. Hmmm... We decided we would stay in the next night and I would cook for him.
I spent a nice lazy day, after forcing a little prima calazione on him (What is it with men? Breakfast is good for you!), since I forgot my running clothes in Sydenham and will pick them up this afternoon. Took a couple trips to the market for dinner stuff and since I have cooked for many of you, menu:
Champagne cocktails (bitters and sugar cubes)
Fusilli with grapes, chevre, and watercress
Salmon, baked with honey and fresh basil (for him)
Nobilo New Zealand sauvignon blanc
Macerated nectarines and blackberries in cognac with a side of manchego and basil
I waited to do more than prep so he could help. I moved comfortably around the spacious kitchen, pausing only to hike up the camouflage shorts of his that I wore. I love to cook for others- my last day in Sydenham, I cooked lunch for my own enjoyment and then went upstairs to announce to anyone there that lunch was ready. My 19 year old flatmate, John, came right down. It was a nice way to get to know each other and feed a growing boy. Reuben hollered out a "Honey, I'm home!" and I giggled. He was helpful though unsure and I found myself nervous again, displaying something dear to my heart and integral to my life. I'll tell you this though, he mentioned how nice it was to come home to find me bustling in the kitchen and I was blushingly pleased. Yikes! Dinner was very good and we spoke more of our families and memories. I admitted my concern about Matteo but I don't think I have expressed myself well. He certainly doesn't understand my dilemma. We read my recent blog entries about him together and I am happy to report that he is flattered instead of feeling violated. We moved it upstairs and I somehow remained nervous, even with his touch and kiss. I've also been getting a little sore trying to accomodate him every day so I felt... off. We had a good shag though and I finally got some sleep while he held me. I woke up early and he mentioned that I had been sleep-talking in Italian. Oops. Actually, I was having a lovely dream about shagging him outside in a place I have never been and woke up with a bel lago between my legs. I am hungry for you, I said, so hungry. We shagged and I sighed, contented as he smiled into my eyes. He got up to pack and we chatted. Now we get back to the beginning...
It was too early to ask but with Matteo coming back Sunday... So do we expect monogamy from each other now? I asked through tight eyes and fought to keep an even voice. We'll talk about that, if ever, in the future, he replied. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to, he added. I was thinking I don't want to do something you don't want me to, I said. Well, maybe just don't tell me about it, he said. At first I was kind of put off by the way that was left but it actually could make my life easier. Can Gattina have her cake and eat it too or is this a test? To complicate things further, Cri is tempting me with a rendezvous for the Trio. Decisions loom and I have no idea what the devil to do. The consensus so far from my panel of advisors is to try the traditional thing for a bit and see how it goes. Don't know if I can stomach it. I'm not sleeping, smoking alot, and drinking gin at 10.00. Eat your heart out Hemingway!

Gattina Rossa

“Gattina paces in circles around her cage and finally throws herself against the bars, screaming in agony, while you dangle the key from your finger and smile that smile. When Gattina's eyes focus, she sees you are not even looking at her but up and beyond.” - Julia's sad heart

“Stop running! Put those walls down!” Sue yells at me. “Don't turn down a chance to be happy!” David councils. When did I become such a scaredy-cat? I wonder. Just because I really like a lovely person, must I turn into a raving idiot? It's true, even Gattina fantasizes about finding The One. The Trio has been an amazing experience but I always felt it had a finite amount of time. I don't know if it is over. Can we know such things? I don't know that The One is out there either but hiding from the possibility and pushing away every viable man is just silly.

I really like Reuben but have the sneaking suspicion that I have already cocked it up. I don't know how I did it but am seeing why. My mother has been married 5 times, each ending a unique pain for her... and for me. Communication, my friends advise. It may be too late, I fear. I may never see his father's house, commiserate with his sister about our unique problems, or feel the beautiful pleasure of knowing I will be in his bed every night. Hell, he may never even see me again though with the pleasure we have given each other, I wouldn't understand that. If that happens, I will not be bitter but I will be sad. I have never been able to properly dam emotions- they come out somehow. In my journal today I wrote, Insincerity? No, I don't understand it well. Never could stop the emotional flow that way. Walls, yes no doubt but never insincerity. I hold stubbornly to my genuine heart- it is all I really have.

I am sitting in a dingy but cosy little pub called The Railway in Sydenham. I can feel my face pulling gaunt and worried over its bones. I sip at a pint of cider and try to control the jitters in my legs. My mobile sits next to me on the little table and I beg it to ring. I am not sure if I should call him. What do I say? I would like to have a direct conversation with you, absent of my melodrama and our banter? Sounds scary and serious. Maybe just try to leave him alone for the evening and focus elsewhere. I asked Simone to have dinner with me this week. Would be good to see him. David said that Matteo's impending return may have a big effect on how this all turns out. Maybe I should discuss it with the barkeep. They're all supposed to be sages, right?! Can you imagine? “So I've been in this Trio for awhile and am now afraid I am falling for a guy I met 2 weeks ago but don't know how he feels. What do I do?”

On another, but related, subject... my credit card situation is finally sorting itself. Again from my journal, A weekend up the “penniless and alone” tree in London. Might not have been so bad if I wasn't also mooning over some guy. I've been homeless and penniless before, my dears. Not exactly picnics and rainbows but doesn't truly scare me. Clever little monkey, you know. ;)

I am getting completely sick of Ghalib and his riddles. Picked up a copy of Khayyam's Rubaiyat for Reuben today printed in 1918. Gods, I love old books! They smell wonderful! I desecrated the volume (in pencil, you bibliophiles!) with notes on my favourite quatrains. I accept myself as a sensualist and don't know if I should aspire to more: The vine had struck a fibre: which about If clings my being- let the Dervish (Sufi) flout; Of my base metal may be filed a key, That shall unlock the Door he howls without. Says my old friend, Khayyam. May as well stay a base sensualist right?

The men in the pub are speaking in a thick Scottish brogue and one just stopped to show me photos of Glasgow. Now they are telling me stories about how the British food is bad so they take turns going to Scotland and bring back enough food for all. Offered me some blood pudding. Not tonight, thanks. They assumed I was French. I get that a lot. Perhaps it is the sassy, oversexed vibe I give off. Pertinacity. A quality I am proud to possess.

I must share what has been transcribing! An elderly gent from the bar (apparently named George) came over to chat with me. This was fine except that he is entirely unintelligible. He seems such a sweetie, I wish I could understand him but, ye gods! The Scotchmen rescued me by telling him he had a phonecall. -I cheers to them through my laughing eyes and red cheeks.- They have been asking about my writing and it has been requested that I mention in my book that the gents here has no water and smells bad. It has also been told to me that my eyes are deep and are like pearls, my teeth are like shells from the sea, my hair is like captured sunbeams, and my skin is like a ripe peach. I asked if everyone from Scotland is so charming. What followed was a fag and a poetry discussion about leaves and waves. People are all so interesting. Everyone has a story to tell and a way to tell it. This is the way I choose to tell mine and I commit it to you with all sincerity and trust.

P.s. This is for you, Suz! I talked on the phone with my crush and told him that I didn't view him as a toy. I told him I really like him and hoped maybe he could like me too. My face was on fire and I was kicking my toe into a chair the whole time but I managed to choke it out. I even admitted that I run away from people I like because I'm a chicken. He asked me to have dinner with him the next night so we could talk further. He also said he has been self protecting emotionally because he thinks I will abandon him one way or the other (good call, David and Jonathan!). I am nervous but excited and it is truly a relief!