Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Daddy's Little Girl

'"I know it will be very hard for you,' Sonia has repeated, 'but I hate pretending, I prefer to tell you the truth.'" - Julio Cortazar

Fuck's sake, Krishna said. You're actually the stable one in this relationship. Yep, we're fucked. The last week has continued on the roller coaster and I guess that's just how we roll. Yes, I am officially Krishna's 'girlfriend' and if you read up on your Indian myths, it'll be a mission. After my last post, he ignored me for a couple of days and then showed up at mine with the dawg for backup. Now, he wants me to make it very clear to everyone that all he had to do was WAVE and I capitulated but to be fair to me, I was still mostly asleep! Grrr... And anyway, I admit I'm a sucker for a bad boy and he's about as bad as they come. The thing is, he never ends up paying consequences for his actions because he has roughly 18,735 ex-girlfriends that will get him out of trouble, me to take care of his needs and desires, and his mum to pick up the slack. The man is spoiled rotten to his sweet nougaty centre and apparently I am suffering from pica since I eat it up until I'm sick. It's funny or tragic to those who know me well but I can say I've probably never been such a good, understanding girlfriend. Being with Cri and Matte was similarly exhausting but I didn't get the harsh attitude from them. Oh well, my dears, we'll just have to see how tough our little Gattina is, innit.
I'm going on and on about the hardcore (yes we are still high or fighting a large portion of our time) but there is some normalcy. I accompanied Krishna to his 20 year class reunion which was a very good time (I was told several times that he had shagged every girl in the room in high school and I just grinned- that's my boy. He may be a slut, but he's my slut. Lucky he feels the same about me! Only Matte could compare to this boys numbers. Dio mio. ) and we just got back from a romantic comedy at the cinema. We cuddled and snuggled and he teased me. It was nice. As a matter of fact, I think he's still out on the sofa and I could use some 'Who's your daddy?' playtime so I'm going to have to love you and leave you for now but I'll be back. I always come back.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Ring of Fire

'She has learned through you... Let it be your care that her knowledge is profitable to her.' - E.M. Forster

I know I posted just a couple days ago but I thought you might all be interested to know that I am spending a drug-free day watching romantic comedies and mourning the loss of Krishna. Why is Gattina so drawn to men that only want to use and discard her? Perhaps heartache keeps my creative side sharp? Interesting. I knew going in that Krishna is a drug addicted playboy but still invested enough of myself to be hurt when he wanted to 'slow down the pace'. This little speech of his just happened to be on payday (now he doesn't need my money) and the day before his lake party (he can play with other girls without my cumbersome presence). I have been friends with him for like 9 years and am shocked at both our behaviour. When he said he wanted to slow the pace, I dumped him and demanded back some of the ridiculous amount of money I have donated to his needs. Oh, and threatened all sorts of drama if he ignored me. I have been totally open to him emotionally and physically. Shutting those doors again will be sad. I'll miss the dawg. And the sex. And the cooking for a man with appreciation and appetite. Maybe he'll surprise me and actually fight for me? He did say he would eat a bowl of bees for me the other day. Either way, the adventures will continue and I am writing, my darlings, thank the gods for my writing.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Planet Zog

'The luxury of self-exposure kept her almost happy through the long evening. She thought not so much of what had happened as of how she should describe it.' -E.M. Forster

Planet Zog is a holiday destination that I visit often, usually with companions but sometimes alone. Its physical location moves about- it has been the House of Love, MC Score, Krishna's office, and most recently my brother's bathtub. I have decided that the charlie in this country is just impossibly strong and harsh for Gattina's refined London tastes. It makes me dramatic and paranoid and physically compromised. This does not mean I will stop visiting Planet Zog but I will probably choose alternate transport from now on.
I have finally delved into the pain of losing my entire London life. My flat, my lifestyle, my mates, and my fiance. Krishna has tried to be understanding but I am unfair to him. I am trying to fill the hole left by my lion and it's not his responsibility. For example, I used to get off my face on drugs or pick silly fights or act cold and uncaring and my big, strong kiwaussie would bundle me up in his arms, take my body with his, and then tell me how to behave myself in future and why. I was his precious life partner, worth all his effort and all his love. The loss of him guts me, my darlings, it truly does.
On a positive note, my writing is going well and in between drug binges, I am getting my tasks done. I allowed Krishna into my running stream of consciousness whilst I was working plot development on my novel the other day. It was new and exciting to share the madness. I hope our friendship survives the trials it is being put through now.
I am staying in touch with my girls from prison. I will never devalue that experience or forget its lessons.
In HMP Bronzefield, we were banged up after lunch for an hour every day. My padmate and I had been moved from Houseblock 1 (detox unit) to Houseblock 3 and one day in the afternoon, we noticed that there was a circular piece in the door under the flap. It was a couple inches in diameter and looked to screw out to create a hole. We thought and thought on it but I couldn't puzzle it. My padmate looked up at me as a lightbulb went off in her head. It's for cock! She said. A gloryhole?! I shouted and almost fell off my bunk. Never did get a clear answer on why it's there. Some say it's for passing meds and some say it's for the firehose in patrol states but no matter its true use, it'll always be a gloryhole to me!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Puppies and Kittens

'I was trying to mate with the winter wolf who was contained with some snow leopards. the leopards were female and dangerous but the wolf was gentle. I can still feel his fur under my fingers. He was shy and easily frightened.' - Gattina's Prison Dream Journal Entry 19/4/2009

So I've been playing house for the last few days and it's nice. I had asked my grappler to make me feel like a woman again because you see, even a girl as fully embracing of her womanhood as Gattina will take a hit from a quarter of a year in prison. It's not just abstention, it's never being spoken to or looked at as a female. Very difficult to describe. So my boy (I am going to call him Krishna from now on) has been equipping my body with sat-nav so that if he goes blind, he can still easily find his way from say my right ankle to my left inner thigh. Wicked. He's also been allowing me to do all manner of other womanly things such as cleaning house, cuddling the boxer-dawg, and shopping and cooking. The dawg (Krishna is most certainly a cowboy and cowboys have dawgs, not dogs.) has fallen in love with me, I think. Follows me everywhere, guards me, sits on me, kisses me, cuddles me.. it's probably because I always smell of the food I make for his papa. Rubbed dalmation sage pork with veg amandine, roast beef dinner with shiraz reduction thickened to a sauce with beurre maitre,etc. Now you all know that Gattina is no domesticated feline, every time she tries it she gets left and in a hurry so don't worry that she's getting all carried away yet again.
I truly believed that by now I would be married to my lion and with our first child and the loss of him and of our dreams hurts. My father can't quite get his head round us announcing our engagement to our families and then not following some sort of protocol to end it. The way it looks now, my lion's illustrious family couldn't bear the thought of an ex con daughter-in-law so I was unceremoniously dumped via solicitor. Ouch. Puts my back up, I tell you. Ah but back to prison...
Bronzefield is a pretty rough prison. Most of the prisoners are Brits in for drug related crimes. Many of them are career criminals who are as comfortable in the nick as out on the street. Gattina stayed out of the way in the gym, rowing her little boat and riding a spinning bike for hours a day. It was through this course of action (trying to quietly stay out the way and work out through the detox phase) that I got embroiled in lesbian intrigue. My mate likes you, said a tattooed, pockmarked little blonde to me whilst we waited to be chosen on benchball teams. She indicated a tall young footballer goofing off to one side. I'm engaged, I said, to a man. That was just ignored and the next thing I know, the footballer and I are engaged in adolescent courtship by throwing things at each other, riding cycles together on pretend Aussie beaches, tickling, tackling, etc. Then, along comes a new inmate named after a Greek goddess who fancies my footballer so starts making noises about throwing scalding sugar water in my face. The footballer says, oh don't worry- she wouldn't risk the extra 2 years on her sentence. I stand my ground and somehow we all end up lovely little teaparty girlie-friends in the end. Too strange to be fiction, my dears, too damn strange.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Crackwhore

'Women of itntrepid charm can't be stopped- they'll even steal what they want. Why be timid? Tears cannot bring satisfaction. You want him, he's hungry for sexual pleasure...' - Amarushataka #9

Oh dear, the things a girl fresh out of prison will get herself into. I spent the weekend smoking crack with my old jiu-jitsu partner. As he attacked my body with strong hands and mouth, I sighed. Remind me what's good about America, I whispered coquettishly. Stop struggling and behave yourself, he said, I know what you need little girl and I'll have you begging for it. I'm not impressed with all this running around with European boys you do trying to make me jealous, he continued and kept talking dirty to me (the boy knows what I like, what can I say?) until I was quivering for it. Wow, I needed that!
So it's Monday now and as the pipesmoke clears I see I owe the drug dealers money I don't have (had to borrow from an ex- he's furious), my mobile is without credit, my partner in crime is MIA, and my teeth hurt. Bollocks.
I think I'll stick with the sex and leave the crack for the week. And I thought prison was stressful!
Adding to my stress, Silver Fox stole almost all of my belongings from my flat just after I was imprisoned. Spiteful little bitch. He's trying to say my fiance ransacked my flat and destroyed the things I was emotionally attached too. Ri-ight. The courts will have to sort that shit out. Honestly, what a loser.
I'm sure you're all curious about British prisons so let's begin with the anecdotes.
I was held at the border for 20 hours then taken to the police station for 2 days. Not only no vices allowed but also no shower or soap of any sort. -Gattina licks her paw and washes her face vigorously at the memory- At the end of that, our heroine was marched over to the magistrates court to be remanded to prison awaiting crown court. This took all day and I was locked in a holding cell with a lovely drug smuggler from America whilst we waited for whatever came next.
I wish everyone was as polite as you in custody, the court warder beamed at me. He had just told us that our transport, affectionately referred to as the sweat boxes, was waiting to take us to HMP Bronzefield.
Why thank you, John, I said. A pleasure my dear, he said and actually bowed.
The handcuffs were not comfortable and the sweat boxes were a horror but I continued in my giddy unreality until the other inmates began arriving for processing. My drug smuggling friend and I huddled together and requested that we be cellmates. We sorted our bedding and giggled together whilst we took stock of our new environs. It finally occured to me to wonder about the time but my lovely Cartier watch was kept in the prison safe and my padmate's was set to another time zone. Hmm.. there appeared to be a communication bell in the wall so I rang it. State your emergency, came a stern male voice. Eep! I leapt in the air then composed myself. In my pure sloany accent I drawled, oh I don't have an emergency sir, I was just wondering the time. Dead air. We girls fell into the giggles and I jumped onto a chair to spring into the top bunk. My first night in prison.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Innit.

'Dantes passed through all the degrees of misfortune that prisoners, forgotten in their dungeon, suffer.' - Alexandre Dumas

So did I happen to mention that I travelled to Tenerife on a false identity? No? Oh dear. Well I did. I got nicked coming back into Gatwick after telling my fiance and Alex that I felt nervous about travelling that fateful 10th of February. Shit happens. Innit.
I intend to give you all the highlights whilst I readjust to life out of prison and in the States for the next few weeks so umm, ya'll ready for this?
At least you know I wasn't ignoring you, after all- I haven't been gallivanting, I've been in gaol!!