Adrift

"'Existentialism... is a philosophy centered on individual existence and personal responsibility for acts of free will in the absence of certain knowledge of what is right and wrong.' She paused. Somehow this seemed to be a perfect summation of her own life right now. She had no idea what was right or wrong, and she was responsible for everything." -Candace Bushnell

I am floating through the days and nights without direction or focus. I have social plans every night and I run, write, read, and cook every day but I am detached. I mortified a date the other night by stating with complete insouciance that I don't think love is in my cards so I am just looking for some distraction, thanks ever so darling. He looked so sad that I almost laughed. Matteo was right, bestia e gattina, leave that wholesome shit for those that are built for it. If I look inside too much, I ask what I could have done differently (still clinging to control, I guess) and I suffer. Did I truly desire that 'happy ever after' that drives romance novels, sappy movies, and teenage angst?! No, it wasn't that pathetic. I wanted something real, something to lay my heart against when I get tired, something meaningful, and something healthy. It's so odd that while Reuben had promised these things, I am instead getting them from my family and friends and, surprisingly, from miei uomini. Full circle.
I know I can be a bon vivant affecting ennui at times but I am unspeakably grateful for my loved ones! The world is full of magic even if I can't quite make it out right now. I am a natural optimist and my senses will return when they have been sufficiently repaired. I am cooking a 'thank you' meal for my caretakers of the last week tonight and it should be lovely. Tomorrow I am out with Boris (and Charlie) again and then dinner with some acquaintances on Friday. RKD wants to see me this weekend but... I think I'm ready for a new country or two (remember the 'Men of the World' competition with Jen?!). Might try a Scottish footballer I know or, geez, I think I'm still missing Sweden and Finland! I wished that Roo would call and catch up with me about Sicilia but, alas, he doesn't seem to recall my number. Maybe some other time...