Crackwhore

'Women of itntrepid charm can't be stopped- they'll even steal what they want. Why be timid? Tears cannot bring satisfaction. You want him, he's hungry for sexual pleasure...' - Amarushataka #9

Oh dear, the things a girl fresh out of prison will get herself into. I spent the weekend smoking crack with my old jiu-jitsu partner. As he attacked my body with strong hands and mouth, I sighed. Remind me what's good about America, I whispered coquettishly. Stop struggling and behave yourself, he said, I know what you need little girl and I'll have you begging for it. I'm not impressed with all this running around with European boys you do trying to make me jealous, he continued and kept talking dirty to me (the boy knows what I like, what can I say?) until I was quivering for it. Wow, I needed that!
So it's Monday now and as the pipesmoke clears I see I owe the drug dealers money I don't have (had to borrow from an ex- he's furious), my mobile is without credit, my partner in crime is MIA, and my teeth hurt. Bollocks.
I think I'll stick with the sex and leave the crack for the week. And I thought prison was stressful!
Adding to my stress, Silver Fox stole almost all of my belongings from my flat just after I was imprisoned. Spiteful little bitch. He's trying to say my fiance ransacked my flat and destroyed the things I was emotionally attached too. Ri-ight. The courts will have to sort that shit out. Honestly, what a loser.
I'm sure you're all curious about British prisons so let's begin with the anecdotes.
I was held at the border for 20 hours then taken to the police station for 2 days. Not only no vices allowed but also no shower or soap of any sort. -Gattina licks her paw and washes her face vigorously at the memory- At the end of that, our heroine was marched over to the magistrates court to be remanded to prison awaiting crown court. This took all day and I was locked in a holding cell with a lovely drug smuggler from America whilst we waited for whatever came next.
I wish everyone was as polite as you in custody, the court warder beamed at me. He had just told us that our transport, affectionately referred to as the sweat boxes, was waiting to take us to HMP Bronzefield.
Why thank you, John, I said. A pleasure my dear, he said and actually bowed.
The handcuffs were not comfortable and the sweat boxes were a horror but I continued in my giddy unreality until the other inmates began arriving for processing. My drug smuggling friend and I huddled together and requested that we be cellmates. We sorted our bedding and giggled together whilst we took stock of our new environs. It finally occured to me to wonder about the time but my lovely Cartier watch was kept in the prison safe and my padmate's was set to another time zone. Hmm.. there appeared to be a communication bell in the wall so I rang it. State your emergency, came a stern male voice. Eep! I leapt in the air then composed myself. In my pure sloany accent I drawled, oh I don't have an emergency sir, I was just wondering the time. Dead air. We girls fell into the giggles and I jumped onto a chair to spring into the top bunk. My first night in prison.

Innit.

'Dantes passed through all the degrees of misfortune that prisoners, forgotten in their dungeon, suffer.' - Alexandre Dumas

So did I happen to mention that I travelled to Tenerife on a false identity? No? Oh dear. Well I did. I got nicked coming back into Gatwick after telling my fiance and Alex that I felt nervous about travelling that fateful 10th of February. Shit happens. Innit.
I intend to give you all the highlights whilst I readjust to life out of prison and in the States for the next few weeks so umm, ya'll ready for this?
At least you know I wasn't ignoring you, after all- I haven't been gallivanting, I've been in gaol!!

España

The key is to commit crimes so confusing that police feel too stupid to even write a crime report about them. - Randy Millholland

So lovelies, I am chilling in the Canary Islands and encouraging my mates in London to steal pepper pots for entry into an elite dinner paty at mine near my upcoming birthday. Mental? Sure, but also never dull!
Doing well with my Kiwaussie (born in Oz, raised in NZ) and missing him summat dreadful! Will update properly soon but for now, the sun is calling me and I must heed it. Just trust that I am ever an alien spy and international woman of mystery so stay tuned for further exploits..

Sweating Like a Rapist

"There is perhaps nothing so bad and so dangerous in life as fear." - Jawaharial Nehru

Drama follows me like ducklings or ants or lemmings, etc. I know. I am mental but honest. Take what you will from me and I will keep on giving, so here we go again!
My Silver Fox established me in a truly amazing flat in South London. Both our names are on the lease but I am not ready to accept him into my home- he has been unstable recently. Things were not improved when he walked in to deliver my Alessi teapot and found me in bed with a 22 year old Aussie boy. Whoops. Told him the truth- didn't shag the boy that night. Hehe. He apologised but I really didn't want to see that Aussie again anyhow (named him MC Bulge and yes, a man can be too large!).
I have been settling into my new palace like the principessa I am. Dinner parties, brawlie paintings, tantrums, and Olivia as my lovely little cleaning girl (at twice the price of a regular cleaner- nepotism). I wish you could all just come round mine for a nice meal and surprising times. :) Valentina has been and I'd actually love her to live there with me. Maybe.
Remember the kiwis Olivia and I met on Christmas Eve? I finally caught up with Tess' brother and I am reporting that he was present when my Silver Fox had his tantrum (he was hiding post-shag under the duvet sweating like a rapist). He had the best time ever telling his mates about my distraught sugardaddy and how I brought the police to remove danger. Not so funny for me since I still have a nasty bruise a week later. Got Silver Fox into anger management and my Kiwi has asked me to meet his fam in Thailand at the end of March. We hope to marry on the beach with at least some of our family members present and supportive...

Giving and Receiving

"Non me lo credo? Ingrato! Vien qui.. sfogatti.. amazzami.. fa tutto di me quel que ti piace." -Puccini

Gattina cattiva. Lei e una principessa, non? Ah, LA Principessa. Hehe. Yes, indeed my sweethearts- your lovable little naughty so-and-so is re-embracing wealth and privilege. (How many -'s can you put into one sentence without being plain silly?!) I am running all round furnishing my gorgeous new party pad. M.C. Score!!!!! Don't worry, I also have parking for the Aston and, more significantly, have retained all slut privileges.
2009 is going to be a year of luxury but also a year of exploration and personal growth. I saw Roo a few days ago and he was kind enough to help me understand a little clearer what happened between us. It was painful but so relieving to see a lantern toward clarity. I am afraid I have had to insist upon some space from my sister for both of our better good. It is tense but we are lunching in a couple days so we'll see. I miss her. Francis and M.C. Fly (my flatmates, The Boys, etc.) have adjusted alright to her absence and we will all find our way to what is comfortable and best. We're good like that.
Haven't shagged in so bloody long, I think it's rusted. Oh well, better to focus on friends and furnishings for the mo.
I am FINALLY almost finished reading the collection short stories by Julio Cortazar that I started an age ago. That guy is a trip! I mean, sicking up rabbits?!
Okay, I know what you're all waiting for. I am having my first little dinner in my new palace tomorrow night with mates and Valentina is bringing a lovely girl from out of town while I am providing Aussie boys for target practice and mate integration. Gattina's little party pad will just have to become a hub of inter-cultural bonding. Hey the UN was useless anyway, right?

Melbourne and Mates

"You'll arrive on the day knowing what the interviewer is looking for- and you'll be ready to deliver." Ros Jay

So it was my idea to have a wager with my flatmates for their holiday away snowboarding in the French Alps. However, the punishment for losing as well as the point system was established by Francis. My sister and my other flatmate were along for the ride. Francis admitted that Olivia and I would certainly win but also offered up the 'whoever loses has to run around in the union jack boxers (we had bought them on a random trip back from Gordon's where we had gone to formulate the alien language of planet Zog) outside in the bitter Londra winter night.' Oh yes, in nothing else.' We agreed on the terms and scoring system as the boys crossed over on the ferry. So scoring:
1 point for shagging someone you already know.
2 points for oral with anyone (known or random).
3 points for a full on shag with a random.

The wager was pretty fair considering they were in holiday party land and we were intending to sort out the flat and bake and such (even though we ARE way prettier than them). We decided after I had only earned 1 point halfway through (by shagging my Albanian boy) to knock it down in one night. Christmas Eve to be exact. We knew one of our favourite Fulham haunts would be crawling with colonials (too far for them to get home) and with the combo of cheesy music and our utterly outrageous dance techniques, we figured on pulling around 6-8. As it played out, we hung out with a really nice group of kiwis. They were a boy, his stunning sister (think Tess of the D'Urbervilles), and a girl they knew from school. Many men tried it on us but we were having so much fun in our own little alien dancing bubble, we couldn't be asked. We decided that we were duty bound not only by the wager but by the time and effort we had invested in our appealing presentation so skipped off to another club where the music would be less enticing for silly alien dance moves. At the new club, the men where trolling and we got kind of weird vibes so, sadly for our cause, decided not one was tolerable. That is until just before we left.
A clean cut and very fit boy walked up to me and stated that I was stunning. Having two Aussie flatmates at the moment I understood that he was from down under but sounded different from my Sydney boys. He's from Melbourne. Guess that settles that. I asked Olivia to dance with him for my final trek to the loo and when I came back, they were smiling and chatting at totally normal body distance. Weird (have I mentioned what a hottie my sis is?!) but also wicked cool. We said goodbye to him and he clenched my right leg between his thighs to lean in for a kiss. Fit, fit, fit. Hmmm...
So we exchanged numbers and we, due povere gattine made our way home. Our one fervent joint wish was for a kebab. No joy! We were gutted.. and a bit pissed so decided to raid the refrigerator. The contents were all mixed together so I will just give some examples:
Mozzarella Fresca
Garlic and Coriander Naan
Caviar
Gherkins
Vegemite
Cheddar
Soured Cream

Not so frightening as a grocery list but I am sure you can imagine the concoctions. We decided during our feast of sorts to shag the Aussie boy we'd met latest at the club. He at least seemed clean and well mannered and was going on holiday the next day. Better than having this pathetic one point, I shrugged. Olivia stuffed another frightening naan concoction in her face but managed to communicate her request that he bring mates and lots of 'em!
So we phoned What-His-Name over and he arrived, dissappointingly alone. We all got comfortable in the sitting room and my sis and I proceeded to speak in a combination of Alien and Italian. The boy seemed to have no sense of humour so mia bella sorella finally turned to me and said, 'Let's just get this over with.' That sent me into more giggles but we managed to mostly undress and climb onto him. She then said, 'So how are you doing?' to What's His Name and that set me off again! Hysterical! So we shagged him and I wish i could say it was good fun or at least inconsequential but he was using his hands in such a way that we were reminded of a robot perhaps scrubbing dishes! We turned to each other and laughed away! Oh dear, oh dear! He got into her for about a minute and then into me for about half a minute before coming. We were so relieved to have gotten our points, that we told him all about our wager and how we only pulled him to try to win. Yay, 6 points! We then buggered off to sleep in Francis' bed since he has a dvd and telly. The poor guy wandered a bit and then sorted himself a taxi. We laughed alot but have decided we soooo deserve better.
The real gutwrencher is that the boys were having fun in France but found 0 (that's correct, a big old goose egg) talent to play with. We were both like, we had a crap shag for nothing?! But you know, watching them run around in an unseasonable cold night in their Union Jacks made it all worth it! What a sight!!
When it comes to The House of Love and Peace physically, Olivia and I had changed everything around. We even had a very exciting evening of spy behaviour at Ikea for bits, bobs, and essentials. We can make ANY excursion fun! We worried the Boys would be angry at the intrusion but instead, they have become a little house proud- YAY!
So, Olivia and I have fooled about with Francis some more but he seems pretty solid in not wanting to shag flatmates. Fool. No worries since we've got alot of shit to think on these days.
Has everyone missed my beautiful Valentina as much as I have?! I spent all day with her and am sleeping over tonight. You might be asking, what are you doing typing with that stunning woman in bed? But trust me mates, she is OUT. We've had some nice times together today shopping, sunning, snogging, drinking, and just telling each other for remembrance how much we love/trust/want/and missed each other. Bellissima! Now that is enough make-up blogging I think and you know the sun is up and I will need some sleep so I can't share all the other naughty bits with you just now...

Jimmy Shoe

"And the ponderer watched as the fairies danced and the beast waited..." -Gattina

Sloth wasn't real?!!! I almost fell over when my sister, Olivia, shattered a childhood icon this morning. Well, at least Chunk really was that fat, she consoled but darling, there really is no Father Christmas. Damn! There was only one thing for it so we wandered off for sushi.
For days and days now we have been bonding family styley with dancing, booze, drugs, shoe dancing, and my hottie flatmate. Fucking brill, baby! We decided to hit Fulham and troll for colonials last Saturday and ended up finding a cutie South African but I lost him somewhere along Fulham Broadway with a brand new gram of charlie. Damn those wet pavements!! No worries, we went back to mine and awaited my flatmates. We had my Swiss friend in tow since he was visiting for the weekend but my sis made short work of him with cello tape and the hat we got from a doorman at the Slug. My flatmates were in a state- drunk, naked, and fighting on Tottenham Court Road but when they finally got home, it was worth the trouble! Olivia and I got cosy on a sofa.. ok, we snogged, shagged, and soaked ourselves in beer and olive oil- don't ask! We have decided to share my flatmate which apparently suits him since he didn't mind us overtaking his room and wardrobe (magic shoes are very useful when you are off your faces on MDMA for days!). I should report that last week, I got high with my flatmates and the boy showed mad oral skills so I had no problem recommending his mouth to my beloved sister.
I am quite positive I have never laughed so much in my entire life as the last few days! Yesterday, Olivia and I went for a meal and some wine and ended up back at mine with party hats and bubbles and lollies for the boys. Funnily enough, they were like ecstatic kiddos! Never a dull moment round ours! The House of love will be sad though when the guys leave for snowboarding tomorrow but Olivia and I are going to rock on and do some baking. Ok, we won't just bake but it will be nice to offer the men we are planning on pulling some snacks. Baked bums anyone?! Don't forget icing! I'll update again soon cuz there are lots of missing bits but had to tell you all that I am NOT hibernating though I had a lovely spoon with my sis last night after waking up masturbating myself next to her. Dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. :)