Everybody Limbo

"There were moments when I feared to hear your voice, and then I was disconsolate that it was not your voice. So many contradictions, so many contrary movements are true, and can be explained in three words..." -Julie de L'espinasse

The past few days have been interesting but I can't seem to find my feet. Reuben left for Glasgow a few moments ago and the weekend stretches before me with uncertainty as the only sure companion. I will go out with Silvia and the boys tomorrow night and Matteo returns on Sunday. I thought I would be having an uncomfortable talk with him then but now I may be able to avoid it for a bit. But I am getting ahead, let me go back to the dinner I mentioned in my last...
I was nervous and hesitant but determined to be open and share my feelings with Reuben. It is easy for me to steer conversations away from the point but we still managed to establish a few things. He is concerned I will become bored with him and the kind of life we would potentially share. This is a valid concern, I know but is it possible Gattina has had enough catting around? Perish the thought, right?! He said he wants to "date" me. It's been a long time since anyone has thrilled me with that thought. I've been getting my kicks in such extreme ways for the last year that I don't know how to react to this simple, beautiful proposition. We decided, after another hot shag at his place, we would stay together, house-sitting, for a week or so and test things out.
I got to the house late at night and he showed me around. He is godfather to one of their two children and it was in the baby's room that I freaked out a bit. We were straightening some pictures above the crib (he hasn't seemed to mind my OCD quite yet) and I just couldn't breathe for a sec there. Suz had the gall the other day to tell me I would be a good mother. Cri and Matte have told me the same. Are you all nuts?! Mad Gattina stops pushing the pram in the park to wipe a smudge from the toe of her silver stilettos, inadvertantly giving the old man on a bench a glimpse of her bare wolftrap. I know it's not time to think of these things with Reuben but it just shocked me to think of them at all. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I'm like a combination jungle gym/Disney movie around them. I even once impressed a 5 year old by having more coloring books than her. :) The problem I am having is that I had entirely made up my mind when David left to eschew anything resembling a traditional path.
So we left the nursery and went for a bath together. It was nice though I had a very difficult time not playing with the kiddos' bath toys. Thought it might freak the boy out to see me acting out "The Jungle Book" in the tub. I'm supposed to be some internationally reknowned sex goddess, right? In that vein, we went upstairs for a shag and I was again reminded that I'm a short little cuss. He's quite tall and I am thankful for all those years of yoga! After, he said I make him feel young with endless shag-energy. A nice compliment/complement. -grins- We've decided I must be a succubus or something however I can't take all the credit here, darlings, and I'll decide what kind of creature I am when I hit my sexual peak! It's a nice thing to look forward to, no? Well, may be dangerous for the men of the world...
Anyhow, I digress. Back to current affairs. I couldn't sleep even though Reuben held me gently, smiling and kissing me softly in his sleep. An aside, true to his gender he remembers none of that. My stomach was growling loudly so I got up to get a snack around 2.00. As I left the bed he said... ah no, sorry dears- that will be for my own secret smiles. :) Macked out on some hummus and biscuits while chatting with Suz. It's odd, he never held me all night before but has done it every night since. Hmmm... We decided we would stay in the next night and I would cook for him.
I spent a nice lazy day, after forcing a little prima calazione on him (What is it with men? Breakfast is good for you!), since I forgot my running clothes in Sydenham and will pick them up this afternoon. Took a couple trips to the market for dinner stuff and since I have cooked for many of you, menu:
Champagne cocktails (bitters and sugar cubes)
Fusilli with grapes, chevre, and watercress
Salmon, baked with honey and fresh basil (for him)
Nobilo New Zealand sauvignon blanc
Macerated nectarines and blackberries in cognac with a side of manchego and basil
I waited to do more than prep so he could help. I moved comfortably around the spacious kitchen, pausing only to hike up the camouflage shorts of his that I wore. I love to cook for others- my last day in Sydenham, I cooked lunch for my own enjoyment and then went upstairs to announce to anyone there that lunch was ready. My 19 year old flatmate, John, came right down. It was a nice way to get to know each other and feed a growing boy. Reuben hollered out a "Honey, I'm home!" and I giggled. He was helpful though unsure and I found myself nervous again, displaying something dear to my heart and integral to my life. I'll tell you this though, he mentioned how nice it was to come home to find me bustling in the kitchen and I was blushingly pleased. Yikes! Dinner was very good and we spoke more of our families and memories. I admitted my concern about Matteo but I don't think I have expressed myself well. He certainly doesn't understand my dilemma. We read my recent blog entries about him together and I am happy to report that he is flattered instead of feeling violated. We moved it upstairs and I somehow remained nervous, even with his touch and kiss. I've also been getting a little sore trying to accomodate him every day so I felt... off. We had a good shag though and I finally got some sleep while he held me. I woke up early and he mentioned that I had been sleep-talking in Italian. Oops. Actually, I was having a lovely dream about shagging him outside in a place I have never been and woke up with a bel lago between my legs. I am hungry for you, I said, so hungry. We shagged and I sighed, contented as he smiled into my eyes. He got up to pack and we chatted. Now we get back to the beginning...
It was too early to ask but with Matteo coming back Sunday... So do we expect monogamy from each other now? I asked through tight eyes and fought to keep an even voice. We'll talk about that, if ever, in the future, he replied. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to, he added. I was thinking I don't want to do something you don't want me to, I said. Well, maybe just don't tell me about it, he said. At first I was kind of put off by the way that was left but it actually could make my life easier. Can Gattina have her cake and eat it too or is this a test? To complicate things further, Cri is tempting me with a rendezvous for the Trio. Decisions loom and I have no idea what the devil to do. The consensus so far from my panel of advisors is to try the traditional thing for a bit and see how it goes. Don't know if I can stomach it. I'm not sleeping, smoking alot, and drinking gin at 10.00. Eat your heart out Hemingway!