The Virtue of the Vicious

"Yet each man kills the thing he loves, By each let this be heard. Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word. The coward does it with a kiss... " -Oscar Wilde

So I am a lying, compartmentalised... Reuben began. I sighed. Bugger, I thought, how many times must I learn the lesson that lovers are not friends and will be sensitive to the game my friends and I play of amateur psychoanalysis? I speared another succulent bite of pulpo and said, debate it then. We were sitting in Goya Pimlico having a tapas supper to see me off as I leave for Zurich today to visit friends. I had been out with other friends earlier and had gotten into the groove of debate and discussion. In my idiocy, I actually thought Reuben might enjoy this kind of interaction. Too late to backtrack now, I thought with a little pang. I am not going to defend my character, he glared. I ordered a strong cafe con cajaillo and, for all you linguists, an aside: I got to the restaurant first and ordered our tapas and sangria in Espanol and the waiter first thought me from Spain, then Italy (of course), then Lithuania (WTF?!). It was great fun but back to my offended lover...
We made our way home and the dreamy, poetic lover of the night before who had lulled me into a state of promising anything, everything was nowhere around. Tonight I am a realist, he said. Fine, I said, than just give me what I want from you. Fine. He pulled my clothes from my body and flipped me to my stomach. He was aggressive and I liked it, he degraded me and I liked it even more... I sighed inwardly for about the thousandth time that night and allowed my brutta nature to be what it is. Fuck it, I thought, we can just be shags- it would certainly make my life easier. We lay together after and he pointed out the logistic issues of us being involved again but then tempted me again with the availability of his promise of exclusivity. Confusing and I resisted. We talked at length but I am stubborn, as you all know. This morning I woke with only one wish. His hands roaming over my skin and the nearness of his body. I went to the kitchen to make the coffee and was reminded of the pleasure we took together in cooking a Mexican meal for his flatmates. Why do I enjoy his company no matter what we are doing? He pressed against me and kissed me goodbye.
You ready for Switzerland?! Patrik texted me this morning. Yes!!! I responded. I am sitting here in Reuben's rugby shorts and furrowing my brow. Have I ever been so confused?! I will be in Londres when you get back, Cristiano said, and I am going to rape you when I see you. I think I will also give you to one of my friends. You are welcome to come here when you land, Reuben offered this morning. Mi struggo e mi tormento!!!! Darlings, help!! I feel like the girl from Indian legend who cannot swim but dives into the water with a leaking vase to swim toward her lover anyway... I know I will fail no matter my choice and it is fine to drown but if I just swim in circles, it seems a rather futile death doesn't it?