Hansel unt Gretl

"Surely, the whereabouts of my heart are not known but even, As I searched for it over and over, you found it, again and again." - Ghalib

Voglio darle il piacere... Francesco offered along with a kiss on my bare shoulder. Ho mio cavallo- Non ho bisogno di... my mind was screaming. Aspetto per adesso, I demurred. Forse dopo. Capito... aspetto, he responded. A voice whispered into my hair- you like being desired and watched and yet refusing? Patrik was amused and showed his disdain for my new ways with a raised brow. Yes I like it, I responded with defiance. It is powerful? He seemed to be discussing the weather in Monaco, a calm that reminded me of vampyres or some other daemon. We were in the most elegant swingers' club of my experience and the warm glow of deep orange walls, leather sofas, and carved wooden tables still could not relax me.
I took another swig of champagne and thought on the day past. We went to Luzern to spend the day on the water with the sun warming our faces. I had spread myself out on the train floor for a nap on the way home. The conservative Swiss passengers stared and gossiped. I had smiled in the way only one who has earned her personal freedom can.
Andiamo alla stanza? Francesco requested. No, I cannot... will not. Take me home? I asked Patrik. Of course, he said. He was so amused I wanted to hit him. We poured a single malt and spoke of banalities. My heart emptied and closed until I saw Reuben's text. He thought I would be a 'victim' to a good time and forget him. A victim?! I am not a victim! I make my choices. Suz told me today what she thought of Roo: "guess what ... i think he likes you enough to deal with you cocking it up occassionally .. you just might have to apologize" Damn it- more rational thought! I would never bet on another's power to forgive though. I am glad I did not allow myself to be lost in the orgia last night. Surreal. He feels so far from me now and yet takes up all of my thoughts. I should be hiking in the Alps right now, not thinking of boys.
Reuben is not remiss in asking me to just "give it a try" with him on his terms but, damn. I find his proposition first unattainable and then unsustainable... and then bewitching, promising, fulfilling. Be careful of your words, he warns me. Words?! I am more worried of the actions! Gattina marches up to a tree without worrying that she is lost in a wood and scratches bark. She feels no pain as her nails begin to bleed but notices the damage to what she thought was wood. Fuck, it's flesh after all...