'The happiest people seem to be those who have no particular reason for being happy except that they are so.' - Dr. William Ralph Inge
I was asked years ago which character I would be in 'Sex in the City'. I would, of course, say Carrie since we are all always the star in our own minds. I also recall someone telling me that they would like to always be 35 years old since that is old enough for some knowledge but young enough to enjoy it. True that. I am 32 and am looking forward to being 35. I went out last night with a group of people from our local paper and one of the girls cried for an hour or so because she is still single at 30. How silly.
I love my life and I love being me. I have wonderful friends from all over this world and so many adventures awaiting me. I am sad sometimes. Devastated even. Shit happens, innit. I am also ecstatic sometimes. I have gone through a heap of good and bad times to be where I am.
I celebrated Mabon yesterday in Wiccan style. I am not a witch but am a pagan and I embrace that with all my other aspects. I am a writer. I am a lover. I am a person, a person with an identity. Gattina cattiva. I am so lucky. May I never forget it!
Life is a gorgeous bounty of adventures. Embrace them fearlessly, my darlings, as I embrace you and ask for your acceptance of me.
So now what? More fun, more tears, more love, and more fears. :)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Non Dimentico
'So everything lets us down, including curiosity and honesty and what we love best. Yes, said the voice, but cheer up, it's fun in the end.' - Roberto Bolaño
On the night my Lion and I announced our engagement to marry to our families, we celebrated in an Irish pub in Tenerife with my dear Alex. Alex told the live band (a lovely Irish couple) and they played 'You Look Wonderful Tonight' for us. We danced alone on the floor while the crowd wished us well. I bought the band's cd and am listening to it now. I miss my Lion. I miss my Alex.
I received my THIRD rejected passport application yesterday and could tear my hair in fury. I hate this country. I also received notice that I will be charged for the medics that examined me after Krishna's temper tantrum. Fantastic.
I have not spoken with Krishna. I have been spending my time with mates and running and cooking and writing and healing. I did have a pretty fantastic date last week that you might like to hear about though. :)
I was invited for an orgy of lobster and thought I could use the cathartic experience of murdering something for the pleasure of eating it dipped in clarified butter. The lobsters were massive! Mine went without fuss into the pot but my date's threw his claws out in protest. He seemed to be saying 'Hold on! Wait! We can talk about this!' No such luck, mate. We boiled the lobsters only until the meat set then cut them in half and put them on the bbq with applewood chips to finish cooking them. I could have an orgasm just from the memory of that meal! My date and I intended a film after but as he said before attacking me, 'That would be nice but I'm fucking horny and you're fucking hot!' Next I knew, I was being had on the countertop with half my clothes still on! We did manage to bump my nose once but other than that bit of unwelcome pain, good times. Oh yes. Good times!
I miss Krishna but, you know, I just wanted a brute of a man to help me remember and experience my femininity. I had that with him and I feel womanly again. Cheers, mate.
Some of my prison mates seem to be having a hard go right now and my heart reaches to them. I have not forgotten them or the experience and I never will. I am getting my first tattoo this week. The Union Jack with my prison number worked in. xxxHMPxxx
On the night my Lion and I announced our engagement to marry to our families, we celebrated in an Irish pub in Tenerife with my dear Alex. Alex told the live band (a lovely Irish couple) and they played 'You Look Wonderful Tonight' for us. We danced alone on the floor while the crowd wished us well. I bought the band's cd and am listening to it now. I miss my Lion. I miss my Alex.
I received my THIRD rejected passport application yesterday and could tear my hair in fury. I hate this country. I also received notice that I will be charged for the medics that examined me after Krishna's temper tantrum. Fantastic.
I have not spoken with Krishna. I have been spending my time with mates and running and cooking and writing and healing. I did have a pretty fantastic date last week that you might like to hear about though. :)
I was invited for an orgy of lobster and thought I could use the cathartic experience of murdering something for the pleasure of eating it dipped in clarified butter. The lobsters were massive! Mine went without fuss into the pot but my date's threw his claws out in protest. He seemed to be saying 'Hold on! Wait! We can talk about this!' No such luck, mate. We boiled the lobsters only until the meat set then cut them in half and put them on the bbq with applewood chips to finish cooking them. I could have an orgasm just from the memory of that meal! My date and I intended a film after but as he said before attacking me, 'That would be nice but I'm fucking horny and you're fucking hot!' Next I knew, I was being had on the countertop with half my clothes still on! We did manage to bump my nose once but other than that bit of unwelcome pain, good times. Oh yes. Good times!
I miss Krishna but, you know, I just wanted a brute of a man to help me remember and experience my femininity. I had that with him and I feel womanly again. Cheers, mate.
Some of my prison mates seem to be having a hard go right now and my heart reaches to them. I have not forgotten them or the experience and I never will. I am getting my first tattoo this week. The Union Jack with my prison number worked in. xxxHMPxxx
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
The Freedom of Choice
Gattina just saw that Krishna 'unfriended' her for like the third time this summer and is fed up. If he wants to be rude and unfriendly, he will find her spite matches his scorn pace for pace. (Don't you just love going to the dark side when ...some arsehole REALLY deserves it?) -sighs- I really do prefer love over war but, either way, I guess all's fair. I can always adapt to either since neither has rules!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Well, Fuck
'You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said--
Then you say--go slow-- I fall behind-- the second hand unwinds
If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time' - Cyndi Lauper
Huh. I don't even know what to say which is odd for a chatterbox like me. I spent another lovely evening with Krishna and was utterly happy wedged between him and the dawg in bed. He sang me to sleep and we twined our fingers on the puppy after another brilliant shag. When we woke, he was humpy and I should have probably skipped the lake party with him. I am well aware of his propensity to pull away after intimacy. At the party, he treated me like a stranger and I did my best to 'be cool' but it wasn't easy. Eventually, the dawg and I went for a drive to get fags and I thought we would just come in and crash or go home. Krishna asked me to 'entertain' his friends by dancing for them. He left me alone with them whilst I muddled through the best I could. I was far too vulnerable at that point (especially not knowing Krishna's stance on 'us') but I would do just about anything for him so... feeling exploited and unhappy, I sat on the sofa next to my lover. He said he wanted to go up and boast to his mates on how cool I am and I stayed downstairs to wait him. One of his mates came down and tried to talk me into mutual masturbation. When I declined, he proceeded alone. Great. Where the fuck was Krishna? He got me into this and left me vulnerable. I eventually found him sleeping on an upstairs sofa and told him his mate was inappropriate. He accused me of lying. Wow. I begged him to come sleep with me on the floor but he refused. We argued and I ended up with a nose full of coffee table. Kids, I have only had a broken nose once before and I was younger. The sad thing is that my heart hurts heaps more than my face. Heaps.
Then you say--go slow-- I fall behind-- the second hand unwinds
If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time' - Cyndi Lauper
Huh. I don't even know what to say which is odd for a chatterbox like me. I spent another lovely evening with Krishna and was utterly happy wedged between him and the dawg in bed. He sang me to sleep and we twined our fingers on the puppy after another brilliant shag. When we woke, he was humpy and I should have probably skipped the lake party with him. I am well aware of his propensity to pull away after intimacy. At the party, he treated me like a stranger and I did my best to 'be cool' but it wasn't easy. Eventually, the dawg and I went for a drive to get fags and I thought we would just come in and crash or go home. Krishna asked me to 'entertain' his friends by dancing for them. He left me alone with them whilst I muddled through the best I could. I was far too vulnerable at that point (especially not knowing Krishna's stance on 'us') but I would do just about anything for him so... feeling exploited and unhappy, I sat on the sofa next to my lover. He said he wanted to go up and boast to his mates on how cool I am and I stayed downstairs to wait him. One of his mates came down and tried to talk me into mutual masturbation. When I declined, he proceeded alone. Great. Where the fuck was Krishna? He got me into this and left me vulnerable. I eventually found him sleeping on an upstairs sofa and told him his mate was inappropriate. He accused me of lying. Wow. I begged him to come sleep with me on the floor but he refused. We argued and I ended up with a nose full of coffee table. Kids, I have only had a broken nose once before and I was younger. The sad thing is that my heart hurts heaps more than my face. Heaps.
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