A Cougar and Other Craziness

"She rolled over onto her side and curled her legs under her. She would not cry. But it was all lost, and she couldn't understand why." - Candace Bushnell

I, fool that I am, asked Reuben to see me today. He declined. When will I learn?! Deniiimm!! I went to lunch today with friends and went for 2 long walks in the park but I can't get sorted. My phone is ringing constantly. How can Gattina be home sipping water at 22.00 on a Saturday night?! Well, lemme tell ya kids, my stomach HURTS from the last several days. A couple nights ago, I ended up in the black sambuca and rolled over to find a gal in my bed. We-ell, what have we here? Darlings, I pulled a cougar! She was also my first English person but Boris insists that she doesn't count in my "world collection" since she's not a man. I think that's rather sexist, don't you? I really don't want to have to sleep with an English guy and since I'm not viewing the UK as one country (why deny myself Ireland and Scotland?!), that doesn't seem fair.
I spent the next day first getting pissed and smoking a spliff at lunch and then out with Boris. You know you're in bad shape when your cousin is fireman carrying you down Clapham High Street to a kebap shop because you are too pissed to walk. We ended up taking an hotel that was seriously nasty. We woke up and I was like, how the fuck did we end up here?! Then I remembered. Oh yeah, by way of The Ship- sweet pub in Wandsworth. Had dinner with some pals that night in Balham and I had not anticipated how much it would grind my insides to be next door to (and inside to visit the cats :)) the place where I knew such happiness with Reuben. I came home early and texted with him on the train which brings us back to the beginning of this post.
My phone is vibrating with messages from friends to get out to the club and hit the coca. I cannot be asked tonight... but I can tomorrow! Hehe. In other news, I am moving to Italia almost immediately when I get back from Malta. I am nervous but I know my Cri will take good care of me and if I hate it, I can always come back here. I have to leave for awhile anyway- I am literally killing myself in this heartbroken state...

Adrift

"'Existentialism... is a philosophy centered on individual existence and personal responsibility for acts of free will in the absence of certain knowledge of what is right and wrong.' She paused. Somehow this seemed to be a perfect summation of her own life right now. She had no idea what was right or wrong, and she was responsible for everything." -Candace Bushnell

I am floating through the days and nights without direction or focus. I have social plans every night and I run, write, read, and cook every day but I am detached. I mortified a date the other night by stating with complete insouciance that I don't think love is in my cards so I am just looking for some distraction, thanks ever so darling. He looked so sad that I almost laughed. Matteo was right, bestia e gattina, leave that wholesome shit for those that are built for it. If I look inside too much, I ask what I could have done differently (still clinging to control, I guess) and I suffer. Did I truly desire that 'happy ever after' that drives romance novels, sappy movies, and teenage angst?! No, it wasn't that pathetic. I wanted something real, something to lay my heart against when I get tired, something meaningful, and something healthy. It's so odd that while Reuben had promised these things, I am instead getting them from my family and friends and, surprisingly, from miei uomini. Full circle.
I know I can be a bon vivant affecting ennui at times but I am unspeakably grateful for my loved ones! The world is full of magic even if I can't quite make it out right now. I am a natural optimist and my senses will return when they have been sufficiently repaired. I am cooking a 'thank you' meal for my caretakers of the last week tonight and it should be lovely. Tomorrow I am out with Boris (and Charlie) again and then dinner with some acquaintances on Friday. RKD wants to see me this weekend but... I think I'm ready for a new country or two (remember the 'Men of the World' competition with Jen?!). Might try a Scottish footballer I know or, geez, I think I'm still missing Sweden and Finland! I wished that Roo would call and catch up with me about Sicilia but, alas, he doesn't seem to recall my number. Maybe some other time...

Going for a Ride

"'No, I don't love you. But you have got under my guard. You have moved and touched me, in a way in which I no longer care to be moved and touched. You are like a nerve I had managed to deaden, and I am annoyed to find it coming to life. I shall do my utmost to kill it off again as soon as possible. After all, I am not in the business of losing my centrality." - Anita Brookner

Back to business, then. Spent a wild weekend with Boris and my good pal, Charlie. Bought some cute stuff at Camden Market yesterday and recovered today. I am in 'Random Kiwi Dude's' flat doing a little post-coital writing. I think of Reuben constantly but I'm sure it will pass. I went to a gallery this afternoon where 'RKD" is thinking of buying some pieces. Felt back in my element. Not happier, just comfortable. Gods, I long for Roo. Please, let me be numb...
I will screw around a bit this week so hopefully you will not have to read my bleeding heart bullshit anymore. Sex, drugs, and all that stuff...

Ebb and Flow

"She then heard them tell her that she had had her last chance. That there was no future for her in that line, whatever she may think. That they wondered how she could hold up her head. That the best thing she could do would be to go away until she had come to her senses and could make decent reparation to society for the outrage she had committed." - Anita Brookner

I am going to Malta in a week. I look forward to the sun and the sea. I am healing in a way already. I am finding again that calm that makes me more of a chap than a chick. I seem to have regained control over the hormonal side effect of emotional incontinence which manifested in hysterical, contradictory e-mails and texts in Reuben's general direction. I honestly feel bad for him, he's gotten my worst, but I am also starting to get a healthy dose of anger. I sat outside with my pal, Helga, for hours night before last discussing the situation. She refuses to hear the word 'Reuben' without the word 'Holy' preceding since apparently I have sainted him with my regard and esteem! :) She says it's not only that I have handled this procedure alone. She helped me see that he's just that way in other situations as well which speaks to his fear and insecurity. When he dumped me, he disappeared to avoid discomfort and left it to me to explain to his flatmates. I dealt with it unsatisfactorily in his eyes, of course. The boy just can't be bothered but also expects consideration. Hmmm... I guess I see two options: I get over him or he grows up. Either way, the prescription is time.
I am applying for work all over the place and I know getting back to a steady job will further center me. In the meantime, I am trying to see to my health. My many 'nurses' insist I take it easy and basically eat all day with no physical activity. In response, I sneak out every day for a run and a walk after in the park followed by Pilates. Take that, Tanto!
Last weekend was MAD! Valentina and I got a little crazy with the sex, drugs, and booze as a diversion from my looming week of pain and sadness. I actually screwed a random kiwi dude Saturday night just for his accent. Sad? Sure but he was really a good shag! He is obviously experienced in the dirtier side of love-arts! Good times, my dears, good times. He held me down while I struggled and cried out. Rough stuff and I still have some good finger and bite marks...
When he reached for me again in the morning, I pulled away and feigned fear. Oh no, he said, I had you that way last night. Today I want something different. Ye gods! I grinned and gave him the wanton slut. He made me breakfast and we laid together in a patch of sun. He held me and let me rave on about my love for Roo and my awful position and then walked me to the tube like a gentleman. What a sweetie! Probably won't bother seeing him again since I am off kiwis (literally, fucking colonials) for now. Think I'll go back to proper European men for a bit and to that end, am hooking up with miei uomini again. Also totally crushing on girls again so let's hear it for some girl on girl action! I can't believe it but I actually have been reticent when it comes to getting out there and catting around. Reuben does not desire or deserve my fealty anymore so come on, rock stars, let's do this thing right...

This Instead

"Doomed for a certain time to walk the earth, she thought, and, brooding but acquiescent, she carried on until she thought it time to be allowed to stop. Then she turned and retraced her steps." -Anita Brookner

I have erased the last few posts for a couple reasons. First, I was not happy sharing the pain of my situation in this way and second, it was very untidy! I am taking a few days for myself and will post again before the end of the week. Do not worry for me, my wonderful friends! Gattina always lands on all four paws...

Marsupials

"The two wretched creatures who alone in the world knew each other and alone were capable of consoling each other, now seemed to be irreconcilable..." - Adolphe

-Gattina flattens her ears to her head in angry helplessness as the Roo turns to bound away on his strong legs. She preens her fur violently and then sighs past the lump in her throat that is pride.-

I did not intend to blog about this. This blog is about adventures and pleasure but I know many of you want to know where I am and what the heck has been happening. Reuben decided he wasn't ready for a relationship. No offense, Princess, just can't deal with being a boyfriend right now. Crap. Bad timing. I had to tell him anyway and I knew the drama (not fun adventure drama but ugly nasty hurtful drama) would be overwhelming. It was. Such accusations! And language! In fairness to him, it was a shock and the WORST timing ever. Since then, he has calmed and started being nice. I told him to go away. Is this what they refer to as 'hormonal'?
So, lovelies, it's decision time. My lifestyle and health do not make me a good candidate at this time but I will consider carefully my options.
Sunday is Mother's Day in the US and NZ. I'm taking my Little Kiwi to a BBQ. Miss you all.