Ebb and Flow

"She then heard them tell her that she had had her last chance. That there was no future for her in that line, whatever she may think. That they wondered how she could hold up her head. That the best thing she could do would be to go away until she had come to her senses and could make decent reparation to society for the outrage she had committed." - Anita Brookner

I am going to Malta in a week. I look forward to the sun and the sea. I am healing in a way already. I am finding again that calm that makes me more of a chap than a chick. I seem to have regained control over the hormonal side effect of emotional incontinence which manifested in hysterical, contradictory e-mails and texts in Reuben's general direction. I honestly feel bad for him, he's gotten my worst, but I am also starting to get a healthy dose of anger. I sat outside with my pal, Helga, for hours night before last discussing the situation. She refuses to hear the word 'Reuben' without the word 'Holy' preceding since apparently I have sainted him with my regard and esteem! :) She says it's not only that I have handled this procedure alone. She helped me see that he's just that way in other situations as well which speaks to his fear and insecurity. When he dumped me, he disappeared to avoid discomfort and left it to me to explain to his flatmates. I dealt with it unsatisfactorily in his eyes, of course. The boy just can't be bothered but also expects consideration. Hmmm... I guess I see two options: I get over him or he grows up. Either way, the prescription is time.
I am applying for work all over the place and I know getting back to a steady job will further center me. In the meantime, I am trying to see to my health. My many 'nurses' insist I take it easy and basically eat all day with no physical activity. In response, I sneak out every day for a run and a walk after in the park followed by Pilates. Take that, Tanto!
Last weekend was MAD! Valentina and I got a little crazy with the sex, drugs, and booze as a diversion from my looming week of pain and sadness. I actually screwed a random kiwi dude Saturday night just for his accent. Sad? Sure but he was really a good shag! He is obviously experienced in the dirtier side of love-arts! Good times, my dears, good times. He held me down while I struggled and cried out. Rough stuff and I still have some good finger and bite marks...
When he reached for me again in the morning, I pulled away and feigned fear. Oh no, he said, I had you that way last night. Today I want something different. Ye gods! I grinned and gave him the wanton slut. He made me breakfast and we laid together in a patch of sun. He held me and let me rave on about my love for Roo and my awful position and then walked me to the tube like a gentleman. What a sweetie! Probably won't bother seeing him again since I am off kiwis (literally, fucking colonials) for now. Think I'll go back to proper European men for a bit and to that end, am hooking up with miei uomini again. Also totally crushing on girls again so let's hear it for some girl on girl action! I can't believe it but I actually have been reticent when it comes to getting out there and catting around. Reuben does not desire or deserve my fealty anymore so come on, rock stars, let's do this thing right...